Death!

Ken:

Welcome to my first attempt at a blog ever. It seems weird to start off something by writing about how it's all going to end but it's just how it worked out here. I've been procrastinating about coming up with a blog post topic until I ended up driving home from a wake for someone who passed away suddenly. There's nothing like dealing with sudden death to get you off your ass and doing something for at least a little bit.

So as I was saying I just came home from a wake. As far as I can tell there are 2 types of people at a wake or funeral. 

You have those people who can talk and truly comfort those in mourning.  These people are good. They make eye contact, hold hands and will talk your ears off about all that the deceased meant to them and how to get on with your life. For some reason they usually seem to be older women.  I know every time I was ever comforted at a wake or funeral was from words of wisdom received from someone's Grandma. Maybe advice and words seem more comforting if they come from an elderly lady.

I unfortunately fall into the other group. Those of us who have no idea what to say. As soon as I  open my mouth all I can think of are the usual cliches. For example, tonight I was talking to the guy who just lost his father. His father had just passed away after being out boating. Which honestly, if you gotta pick a way to go, you could do worse. 

I purposely decided beforehand that I wouldn't say the phrase "At least he didn't suffer". I just figured the entire family would be hearing that all night. This of course left me with one less thing I could say. The best I could come up with was the slightly less cliched "At least he passed away while doing something he loved".

He responded by saying ,"I guess. But does it really matter in the end? One moment he's alive and the next moment he's gone. Forever.  What's the point of it all if we all end up dead anyway".

Not only did I have no comforting words for him but then I just agreed with him and said," Yeah you're right. We're all screwed in the end anyway" .

Then I walked off. I'm thinking my conversation probably did not provide much comfort.

At this point I'd like to introduce you to my co-blogger (I'm sure there's a better way to say it but the other option I've come up with, my partner in blog, sucks even worse) Olga.

Olga, I ask you for your thoughts on dealing with those in mourning. Do you know what to say or do you fumble for words to say. Also what the hell is the point of all this?  Do we as humans have some special purpose or are we just the lucky life forms who evolved? Also can a blog's first post answer questions that have plagued mankind  since the dawn of time. Hmmmmm?

Olga:

Since I am a trained professional (blogger by night, therapist by day) I do have some ability to get through a funeral or wake, or any sad situation, without telling the grieving family that we are all screwed in the end, no offense Ken. However, my issue is uncontrollable laughter in those situations and trying to hide my face so that no one notices. I know it's because I'm nervous, but that doesn't make it any easier on the people who just lost a loved one.  

It goes back to my youth

(cue the Wayne and Garth flashback sounds). I had a horrible experience in high school when a car accident took the life of two of my classmates. At the time I had never been to a funeral and had no idea what to expect.  I had been in the US just a few years and I was still fine tuning the language.  We were attending a funeral for a boy named Paul, and as we were discussing the pall bearers I sincerely asked my friends if at my funeral there would be Olga bearers. My friends were patient as they explained it to me, but then it was too late. We had a case of the giggles that wouldn't go away. It was one of the saddest days, yet we couldn't stop laughing.  We kept hugging each other to hide the laughter, and somehow that sad day is a memory we still cherish to this day.

This leads me to a question, is it helpful to diffuse a situation with humor? Ken?

Ken:

Ok, I will make you a promise that if I do outlive you, I will do everything in my power to have your pallbearers renamed to Olgabearers. Just promise me that if I go first that my wishes to either be cremated or stuffed and tastefully posed peaking from behind a couch are respected.

I cracked up at your "laughing at a funeral" story because I had something similar happen to me at my Uncle Morris's  funeral.

Cue Wayne and Garth again! It was a Jewish ceremony and during the service a bunch of old men started singing a Jewish mourning hymn(is that what they call it in Judaism? A hymn?). Anyway, to me it didn't sound like the old men were singing so much as they had just pulled their groins. So I lost it but I covered my face and tried to hold it in as best as I could. 

Unfortunately, Terrie, my very patient wife of 20 years, saw me covering my face while my shoulders were shaking. She started to quietly console me because she thought I was crying.  This just made me laugh even harder which just caused Terrie to shake her head in disgust. She evidently didn't see the humor in all of this which brings us back to your question and what looks like a logical break point and a good topic for our next blog post:

Is Defusing a situation with humor a good idea?